Trux and I entered the third holiday season without Gage with the usual dread. Gage loved Halloween and Thanksgiving is the day Gage became paralyzed from the tumor in his spine. I, though, decided to take on hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year, which I soon realized was not the smartest move. Forcing myself to do the "normal" holiday thing of planning and organizing was very overwhelmed. My brain was and is still foggy and sluggish. I guess the best description is trying to move quickly, efficiently and effectively submerged in molasses. I pulled it off and the guests had a good time, but I functioned in survival mode. It was nice to have friends and family with us, but I was relieved when the planning was over.
This Christmas was different, something had changed, and it was not by any effort of my own. Again, Trux and I put on our emotional armor to face the coming weeks. One thing I did plan was a Christmas cookie decorating gathering with Gage's friends and their mothers. This is a tradition my mother did when I was younger and it soon became one of Gage's favorite events of the holiday. Three of Gage's friends joined us each year. With much appreciation, one of the mothers of this group took on hosting the event for the past two years. Now that we are in a new house with better space, I felt I could retake the helm. I again had to get my act together to make the preparations. I was overwhelmed and stressed, asking why I keep doing this to myself. It all came together fine and it was comforting to be sharing this traditional with Gage's friends and their mothers.
Before the day of the cookie decorating I started to notice things. The days were short so I was taking the dog for his evening walks in the dark. I found myself noticing the Christmas lights and how pretty they were in the darkness. I thought of Jesus being referred to as the "light" and the Christmas lights symbolic of Jesus' light in the dark. The colors seemed more brilliant this year and really caught my attention. Another day I was driving in the car and Christmas music came on and I did not turn it off. It did not repulse me and turn my stomach. I could actually hear the music and appreciate the words celebrating Jesus' birth and how he changed our world.
One day in the house I had the memory of the smell of the Christmas tree. I felt a "pang" or craving to have the smell in the house because it was an element missing that I associated with the cozy comfort of the season in contrast with the dark and cold outside. Anger, resentment were still strong, I was not going to acknowledge Christmas. As the days went by, the more I resisted the stronger the urgency became and I felt anxious. Something inside me was saying: "Hurry up and get a tree, you are going to miss Christmas"! My head did not care about missing Christmas, but something deep down inside me was stirring. As with all children, Gage's love and excitement for the holiday filled our home with the Christmas spirit. This year, I felt that by ignoring Christmas I was ignoring Gage and special memories we have with him in our life. When I talked to Trux about this feeling, he had been feeling the same way. The next weekend (a week before Christmas) Trux went and picked up the tree. As a result of this screaming urgency inside, we had the tree up and decorated the morning of the Christmas cookie decorating party. Surprisingly, looking at the decorations did not create pain. I felt Gage's smile, joy, excitement and love especially when we hung his favorite ornaments. I have felt Gage's guidance but this is the first time I was infused with his spirit and energy. Thank you Gage, this is a precious gift.
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