So far, I now can see my journey in two stages. The first stage was spiritual healing, seeking and trying to understand why God did not cure Gage and finding some comfort and peace in my heart. I have reached a truth and understanding, but I have not quiet figured out how to put it into words. The right words will come at some point.
I received the gift of “Women Writing for (a) Change” at the right time. I could not have taken on this type of healing work earlier; I was emotionally not ready. The subtitle of the book is, “A Guide for Creative Transformation” which involves finding my “self”. I don’t know how to describe the self I am seeking. It is not my biography, it is not my body, it is a part of me that dissolved the day Gage died. This can explain my feelings of being lost, disconnected, numb and alien in this world. The book describes it as dissociation, a response to trauma, where the self splits off from the Self. It is a divided self. If I can find my self, then my hope is to make my way back into the world while keeping a healthy spiritual connection, resulting in holistic healing.
Exercise 10-1 - What is Happening Now
Preparatory Note: You will need a kitchen timer, journal, and pen at hand to do the exercises in this chapter.
Write now: Set you kitchen timer for seven minutes. Write freely, without thinking, only responding to the question, “What is happening now?”
When the timer sounds, read what you’ve written, underline six or seven strong-to-you words and make make a small poem. Resist the compulsion to “do something” with this little poem other than read it out loud to yourself and say, “Hmmmmmmm. Interesting.”
December, 30 2013:
Sluggish, foggy brain. Thinking no motivation to live. Is this it? Errands, homemaking, clerical job? Will I find a purpose in life? There has to be more. Overcast skies, dreary, damp. Exercise might help. Get involved with non-profits for their fundraising events. Active, do with Trux, benefit cause. What kind of job? Event/hospitality again? Conference Direct again? Liddy Shriver event? Can I handle that? Career/work - what to do with Bender? Get through the day and focus on to do? Rest of my life. How to care about valuing life and each day? More charity in 2014 - how? Still the Gap. Dream with Gage last night. Saw him, felt him. Love those dreams. So sad when wake. Healing different when no other children. In dream with Gage, knew I was going to lose him. Tried to appreciate time had. Sunshine, Central, OR - how to spend more time there? Is it effort of my own or just time? Try to count blessings - time had with Gage, nice home to heal.
Active
Job
Focus
Care
Gage
Sunshine
Blessings
“Poem”
How do I care about life again?
I like to be physically active.
I like to be in nature.
It is a brief & momentary emotion.
I return to reality & it is gone.
I would like a job that is fulfilling.
If I have a focus, will I care again?
I can appreciate the light and warmth of the sunshine.
It too, in the moment, not lasting.
Gage, my son, only child, his death, I am shattered.
Blessed to have him for nine years.
I do the necessities of life, but I don’t care.
Exercise 10-2: I AM
Write now: Take up your timer and journal again; set it for seven minutes. Write freely, in longhand, an extended series of “I am’s”: I am … I am … Continue using “I am” as a refrain, writing yourself deeply into the names of yourselves.
Read it out loud to yourself and let it be.
I am human, I am body, I am soul, I am wife, I am mother, I am lost, I am alien, I am uncertain, I am friend, I am conscious, I am confused, I am tired, I am clerical assistant, I am sister & daughter, I am niece and cousin, I am caring, I am sad, I am erratic, I am menopausal, I am post traumatic stress disorder, I am distraught, I am unfocused, I am person, I am petite, I am struggling, I am aware, I am analytical, I am quiet, I am independent, I am concerned, I am seeking, I am trying to understand, I am critical, I am empathetic, I am unsure, I am not mean, I am not selfish.
Exercise 10-3: Life Dissolves
Write now: Remember a moment in your life when you saw one life dissolve. Write it as if it were happening now. Use vivid details and names. Let the story well up, don’t try to shape it or make it mean something.
Read it out loud to yourself and say, “Interesting.” If emotions well up as you write or read aloud, this is not unusual. Keep some tissues nearby. The practice of reading and writing through tears is an excellent was to develop witness consciousness.
Gage’s last breath. In our room on Cornell Street. The home we bought to raise our son. Gage spent the last months of his life sleeping in our bed. He was lying on the left side of the our bed, Trux’s side. Frank was on a chair on Gage’s right. Sis and Moby at the foot of the bed. I was on the bed next to him ,on his left. Holding his hand with my left hand, touching his soft warm head and fine hair with my right. He had his blanket at his head and held his Hobbs. I did not want him to die, but the disease had won. I did not want him to suffer any longer in his body. He struggled with breathing and said he did not want to die. We fought this disease for so long. We did the best we could to protect him from bad outcomes of surgeries and many treatments. We tended and cared for him. In this desperate moment of struggle I could not help him. I could not make it better. I could not give him comfort. All we could do is give him more morphine and Adavan to relieve him of the struggle for oxygen and panic. I told him this was our only option - medicine to make him feel better and he would wake up in heaven.
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