“Zeze, just follow the instructions”. These are the words from my nine year old son to his grandmother at the end of his life. My son, my only child, after battling cancer for 6 years, passed 2 years and 7 months ago on Valentines 2011. I never knew about this conversation and my mother-in-law has shared it with me recently, at a very timely period in my healing journey.
What kind of God would allow a child to suffer the pain, debilitation and ravages of cancer? What kind of God would allow all of the horrors and suffering in our world? Why? Since that day my search as been to try and replace the anger and resentment with some kind of comfort and peace. I believe if I could just understand “why”, then the peace in my heart will follow. I have talked with others who have experienced a similar loss as well as Christian leaders, but their answer was there is no answer.
After all I witnessed my son endure, “no answer” is unacceptable. I guess this a trait of mine my go back to my youth and my parents giving a gift of “The Big Book of Answers”. I am not sure if I actually looked at the book, but I do recall it was VERY BIG and my parents may have figured it would at least keep me busy for awhile. I am sure Gage’s doctors felt the same way and if there existed “The Big Book of Answers” for pediatric cancer they would have gladly handed it over. The standard response my husband and I had to treatment was why this protocol, why do these side effects happen, why do cells respond in that particular why, why does cancer happen, what are the other options, “nothing” is unacceptable, there has to be something more. When the doctors said there was no longer any hope, and Gage still wanted to fight, we did all we could to make sure there was no stone left unturned. When it was time for Gage to transition he knew,and we knew, we had done the best we could with the resources available to us at the time.
Searching and seeking has been my mission and it has been a roller coaster moving in and out of my Christian upbringing. The reason I have been wavering in my faith is because I have been exposed to other beliefs that have the similar messages as Jesus’ teachings. Additionally, the Christian superiority perspective has been a challenge. I also have read “historical and critical” approaches to the Bible which has caused me to question the content of the Bible. Trying to compare other faiths to Christianity, reading different perspectives and analysis can get overwhelming. What is “the Truth”? This brings me back to the comment from Gage:
“Zeze, just follow the instructions”
So how do you know what the right instructions are? I think the answer involves opening ourselves up to the different faiths and looking at the similar instructions instead of the differences. It seems like the similarities revolve around the divine, Peace and Love.
One of my biggest challenge with Christianity is John 14:6, “I am the way ... no one comes to God except by me”. What if Christians have mistakenly assumed Jesus was pointing to himself as "the only way to the Father." Instead, he was saying that his way -- that is, his life, his teachings, the way he thought and so lived --when followed, was a way to an abundant, eternal life. At the time, Jesus’ teachings were a revelation and good news to those enslaved to the rituals of Judaism or worshiping idols. He is saying you don’t need the outward forms of worship, you can have a direct, personal, loving relationship with the divine. This ability is within everyone.
Are the miracles true? Maybe, maybe not. The miracles speak to me more if I don’t look at them literally. For example when Jesus heals the sick (Matthew 4:24) and suffering from severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures and the paralyzed. Looking at these as analogies, can describe a life without God verses with God. A life without God is painful (severe pain), don’t know how to chose good over evil (demon-possessed), feel out of control/confusing (seizures) and stuck in the darkness (paralyzed).
Instead of getting wrapped up in the historical details, looking at some Biblical stories as analogies can bring out the instructions, reconnect with God and change our hearts. I have found when I open my heart to God or the divine, I find guidance and gifts of grace.
There is more to the story about Gage’s conversation with Zeze. My mother-in-law wrote me to tell me about a dream she had about Gage. She was seated in a small group in what seemed like a theater. Gage was standing in front of them and giving them direction. This does not surprise me since he liked the idea of being considered a teacher and not a hero or brave. The group was confused about what Gage was trying to tell them and he was a little frustrated but amused that they didn’t get it (I like the image of him thinking ... you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. It really is quite simple). After telling me about this dream she said it reminded her about the comment of “Zeze, just follow the instructions”.
During this time, my friend was concerned about my wavering faith and prayed for me during a prayer group. On her way home she saw a stop sign with Gage’s name on it and took a picture. She had also gotten out of the car to take a closer look. Turned out it was a “Garage Sale” sign and the paper had folded over and as a result read “GAGE”. Interesting timing and that the paper had folded over in that specific way.
This was the final coincidence because not only did the sign say Gage’s name, but it was a “directional” sign with an arrow. Additionally the sign was posted on a “stop” sign. One similar instruction across most faiths is to stop, take time for prayer and meditation. Okay, I got the message Gage.
This story is one of many gifts of Grace and Love I have experienced since Gage’s passing. I still don’t understand why Gage had to suffer so deeply and leave this world, but through these gifts I know he is safe, healed and waiting for us. As the Bible looks back at past events and sees a pattern, maybe one day I will look back, look at my life and say “Ah ha”, I get it now. Though it would have been a lot easier if understanding had been revealed to me in the moment, but we all know it doesn’t work that way. Isn’t there a saying “perspective is the best teacher”?
One criticism of the Bible is that none of the original writings exist. The letters have been copied and rewritten and manipulated and translated over centuries so there is no way to know the true story. This might be the case, but when I study the Bible, when I focus on Jesus’ teaching of Peace and Love it gives me tools on how to get through the challenges of each day. I just ignore the stuff about a wrathful God and going to Hell which I feel are a contradiction to the loving God Jesus teaches. God never guaranteed life would be easy and I believe He does not stop bad things from happening, but He helps us through it.
This is where I am today in my journey, it has been an interesting ride and I expect will continue to morph and develop as I continue to seek and question. In the meantime, I will try to “just follow the instructions” and do the best I can with each day.
No comments:
Post a Comment