Exercise 10-4 - Witnessing/paying attention practice to "What I See" (1 hr. free write). I was surprised where this exercise led me. I reached a realization/awareness in the last two paragraphs.
What I See
I see spring starting and it is too soon. There are more sunny days, though not warm. I see two rooms still a mess, un-organized, not finished. I see my husband struggling with work and I am helpless to change his world. He has challenges at work, with his father and with dealing with grief. He can not concentrate and how can i help when I struggle to see beyond my own grief. I see the world continuing and I am still trying to figure out what I am suppose to do now. How do I live for the greatest good. Are we really living a life to serve God? I see pediatric cancer stories continuing with no changes, no new development to fight this disease. I see the funding going to adult cancer, not pediatric. What can my role be to make a change? Liddy Shriver Foundation is focused on Sarcomas and their daughter died of Ewings Sarcoma like Gage. I can’t see a direction, I can’t see where we can fit, there are too many needs. I can see what is right in front of me, CCA Valentines fundraiser, Candelighters fundraising events, CHAP. I can see doing more of the events for the organizations that have helped us. But none of these deal with research … Liddy Shriver/Cure Search.
I see I am different and lost. I see myself struggle with some friendships and trying to understand and redefine friendships. The friendships that were closest to our journey are the hardest. They were defined by Gage and our fight. What are we without either? How do we evolve to the next chapter of these friendships. Other friendships are calmer, more comfortable and these are ones not as involved in Gage’s fight.
I see myself working, though in a challenging job. Not knowing bookkeeping or Quickbooks, needed to learn on the job.
I see myself struggling to focus on what I “see” but I hear the song birds of spring outside my window.
I see myself running around town trying to figure out how to decorate room. If I can just get this done then I can focus on my other projects: photos for Trux’s frame, photo albums for the kids. I see myself distracted with difficulty staying focused. I don’t see myself has happy, just trying to get through each day. Focus on the house decorating, it is a distraction. But, I am also distracted for caring for the house. I see I have troubles with time management and I need quiet time to contemplate. That is a nice part of Bible Study.
I see a person seeking, questioning, challenging. Trying to find a place of understanding. Needing that quiet time to think. I see a person who is independent and okay with being by herself most of the time. I see a person listening to struggles of others: financial, weight, friendless, recovering from the cancer fight, searching for self, marriage, communication. I see I am not alone in struggles. I see there is another way to look at trials, a place to gain wisdom that will maybe help face other storms in life. I see I would not be here without Gage. I see his smile with my minds eye. He is happy we put up the Christmas tree and happy I am seeking God. I can see how I would feel if I had died and he was left behind. I would not want him to be sad, I would want him to find life again. I don’t see when I will find joy in my life again. I could not see ever being able to acknowledge Christmas again, and Gage’s spirit kicked me in the butt. I saw the lights at Christmas, saw the tree in the house. The tree brought light in, brought Gage’s spirit in, brought unexpected healing in. I saw the tree had fallen down while we were away. Maybe Gage is saying he doesn’t think we should leave the house for Christmas.
I see myself finding a fulfilling job that fit my skill set and personality. I see Trux and I kayaking and exploring more. I see making a comfortable home. I see a yard that needs attention and work. I see a lot of to dos. I see my relationship with Trux strained because he is struggling so much at work. I wish I could see him get to a place of comfort at work. I wish I could see him in a new job that fit his personality.
I see a person that can not go back to who she was. I see a me that is more conscious of right and wrong (sin) through Bible Study. I see the consequences of sin and thus how trying to live a sinless life can enrich and draw goodness. I see I don’t want to take on more work with Tony. I see I am enticed by money and automatically say yes, when I know it will complicate life. I see I am not capable to successfully juggle a lot. I see my marriage is more important to me than more money. I see, thought, that I want to ease the financial burden on Trux and I don’t see how this can be down without compromising other things in our life. I see I need to take care of Bender and not to forget to keep him in the equation. I see I need to really focus on my priorities and my mental capacity. I see God’s guidance … sometimes … not most of the time. I see God is not very loud unless he really wants to make a point.
I see that though people around us have followed us through this journey, they go back to their regular scheduled lives. My life, with Gage, is over. I feel I am still lost. I see, though, a bit, how it works. I saw myself praying to God’s guidance of the last 2 years and nothing happened except for Bible Study. I see this book come along at “general” place of understanding spiritually. I see my first 2 years as a spiritual journey. I see the next chapter is a personal journey to find my “self”.
I see that there are passages in scripture that can support my belief that Jesus is not the only way. He is the person I have chosen to guide me back to God.
I see support that if someone believes in God, has a direct relationship with God, He will not condemn them if Jesus is not their savior. They don’t need Jesus. Jesus was a gift to the lost sheep of Israel.
I see that God’s wrath is not the “firey pits of hell”, but living the consequences of our actions.
I see bad things happen in life as the result of the Law of Nature and Free Will. I see my past and having made bad choices, but I don’t see God punishing me by making Gage suffer. I see the disease as just the Law of Nature and probably Free Will because choices to pollute our world are causing disease. I see God does not stop bad things from happening, He helps us through it.
I see a possible theme for my writing this year, “in search of self”. I can see with a perspective the past 2 years and what I needed to do to get me to this place where I am ready to work on finding my self. I don’t think my spiritual self is at a “end” point, but I do see that 2 years of Bible Study has not changed how I feel about God and his relationship to us. My God is a God of Love, not Wrath.
I see the consequences of my actions. When I focus on “earthly stuff/materialism”, I can not focus on my responsibilities. When I don’t put any energy into my responsibilities, the house is a mess, I don’t cook good meals because I don’t grocery shop properly, I don’t take time in relationship with God to provide calm and peace, I neglect Bender and I don’t walk him, lean his ears and eyes.
I see a changed person, but not a happy person. I see I function with half a heart. The other half was amputated when Gage died.
I see different aspects of my life: outdoors person, mountain biker, camper, hiker, skier. Wife, home maker. Creative, Gage’s art, photos, money envelopes. Analytical, see things in Bible Study other don’t, see patterns, see lessons. Friend, listener. Sister and daughter. Not a professional person but would like that in my life. Need my independence, don’t like to punch a clock, get work done on my own time, work from home and possible go in to office periodically. My biggest challenge is keeping my words in check. I don’t like to be in crowds or in the frenzy of the world.
I see I am not attached to people in my life, except Trux. I would be sad or disappointed, but if someone does not want me in their life, I don’t want to be in their life either.
I don’t see a world where we are all connected. I can see some hints of it like when I think of someone and they call. I see a caring world with the population that volunteers but most of the time I see a selfish, narcissistic world. Am I one of those?
I see the stars and a full moon and am in awe. I see beautiful things in nature like the time in Freepons Park. It was spring time with the usual sun and showers. There was a break in the rain so I took Bender to the park. The sun was at my back and smoky black clouds were in front of me. The new bright green leaves of the grass and trees looked florescent with the late afternoon sun shining brightly in contrast with the black clouds. Accenting this scene was a beautiful, brilliant full rainbow across the sky. I felt like a willful child. Though I saw and felt awe and wonder of this creation, I refused to acknowledge that I was able to see this beauty. If I did, I would then, in my grief, see God’s promise and gift in nature and see his message. My heart felt like the black clouds. God was saying, even in the darkest hour of your life, I promise I will bring light and a rainbow. If I acknowledge this, then I would be admitting that this beauty actually made me feel good and this was an acceptable consolation to God not answering my prayers to spare Gage’s life. I did not want to accept or acknowledge this gift.
I can not help but notice the beautiful shows of nature, but I see it with my eyes. This beauty can travel from the eyes to the heart to heal but I still refuse to let it in. I see it, but I won’t let it touch my heart. I won’t let the beauty in. I guess, I feel it is saying that this is okay. This will never be okay. Letting in the beauty would mean I am accepting God’s will when it comes to Gage. I have not gotten to that point. It is just not okay. It is like when someone hurts you and your refuse their hug to make up. That is it … I have not forgiven God. On the topic of forgiveness I was focused on forgiving a friend from a past event/life lesson; I did not recognize I had not forgiven God. I have been working to get to know him and Jesus, but I do not forgive him.
Why does the thought of forgiving God make me break down in tears? What do I do with this new awareness?
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