2014-1-27 WITNESS WRITING - What I See

Exercise 10-4 - Witnessing/paying attention practice to "What I See" (1 hr. free write). I was surprised where this exercise led me.  I reached a realization/awareness in the last two paragraphs.

What I See

I see spring starting and it is too soon.  There are more sunny days, though not warm.  I see two rooms still a mess, un-organized, not finished.  I see my husband struggling with work and I am helpless to change his world.  He has challenges at work, with his father and with dealing with grief.  He can not concentrate and how can i help when I struggle to see beyond my own grief.  I see the world continuing and I am still trying to figure out what I am suppose to do now.  How do I live for the greatest good.  Are we really living a life to serve God?  I see pediatric cancer stories continuing with no changes, no new development to fight this disease.  I see the funding going to adult cancer, not pediatric.  What can my role be to make a change? Liddy Shriver Foundation is focused on Sarcomas and their daughter died of Ewings Sarcoma like Gage.  I can’t see a direction, I can’t see where we can fit, there are too many needs.  I can see what is right in front of me, CCA Valentines fundraiser, Candelighters fundraising events, CHAP. I can see doing more of the events for the organizations that have helped us.  But none of these deal with research … Liddy Shriver/Cure Search.  

I see I am different and lost.  I see myself struggle with some friendships and trying to understand and redefine friendships.  The friendships that were closest to our journey are the hardest.  They were defined by Gage and our fight.  What are we without either?  How do we evolve to the next chapter of these friendships.  Other friendships are calmer, more comfortable and these are ones not as involved in Gage’s fight.  

I see myself working, though in a challenging job.  Not knowing bookkeeping or Quickbooks, needed to learn on the job.  

I see myself struggling to focus on what I “see” but I hear the song birds of spring outside my window.

I see myself running around town trying to figure out how to decorate room.  If I can just get this done then I can focus on my other projects:  photos for Trux’s frame, photo albums for the kids.  I see myself distracted with difficulty staying focused.  I don’t see myself has happy, just trying to get through each day.  Focus on the house decorating, it is a distraction.  But, I am also distracted for caring for the house. I see I have troubles with time management and I need quiet time to contemplate. That is a nice part of Bible Study. 

I see a person seeking, questioning, challenging. Trying to find a place of understanding.  Needing that quiet time to think. I see a person who is independent and okay with being by herself most of the time.  I see a person listening to struggles of others: financial, weight, friendless, recovering from the cancer fight, searching for self, marriage, communication.  I see I am not alone in struggles.  I see there is another way to look at trials, a place to gain wisdom that will maybe help face other storms in life.  I see I would not be here without Gage.  I see his smile with my minds eye.  He is happy we put up the Christmas tree and happy I am seeking God.  I can see how I would feel if I had died and he was left behind.  I would not want him to be sad, I would want him to find life again. I don’t see when I will find joy in my life again.  I could not see ever being able to acknowledge Christmas again, and Gage’s spirit kicked me in the butt.  I saw the lights at Christmas, saw the tree in the house.  The tree brought light in, brought Gage’s spirit in, brought unexpected healing in.  I saw the tree had fallen down while we were away.  Maybe Gage is saying he doesn’t think we should leave the house for Christmas. 

I see myself finding a fulfilling job that fit my skill set and personality.  I see Trux and I kayaking and exploring more.  I see making a comfortable home.  I see a yard that needs attention and work.  I see a lot of to dos. I see my relationship with Trux strained because he is struggling so much at work.  I wish I could see him get to a place of comfort at work.  I wish I could see him in a new job that fit his personality.  

I see a person that can not go back to who she was.  I see a me that is more conscious of right and wrong (sin) through Bible Study.  I see the consequences of sin and thus how trying to live a sinless life can enrich and draw goodness.  I see I don’t want to take on more work with Tony.  I see I am enticed by money and automatically say yes, when I know it will complicate life.  I see I am not capable to successfully juggle a lot. I see my marriage is more important to me than more money.  I see, thought, that I want to ease the financial burden on Trux and I don’t see how this can be down without compromising other things in our life. I see I need to take care of Bender and not to forget to keep him in the equation.  I see I need to really focus on my priorities and my mental capacity.  I see God’s guidance … sometimes … not most of the time.  I see God is not very loud unless he really wants to make a point. 

I see that though people around us have followed us through this journey, they go back to their regular scheduled lives.  My life, with Gage, is over.  I feel I am still lost.  I see, though, a bit, how it works.  I saw myself praying to God’s guidance of the last 2 years and nothing happened except for Bible Study.  I see this book come along at “general” place of understanding spiritually. I see my first 2 years as a spiritual journey. I see the next chapter is a personal journey to find my “self”.  

I see that there are passages in scripture that can support my belief that Jesus is not the only way.  He is the person I have chosen to guide me back to God.  

I see support that if someone believes in God, has a direct relationship with God, He will not condemn them if Jesus is not their savior.  They don’t need Jesus.  Jesus was a gift to the lost sheep of Israel.

I see that God’s wrath is not the “firey pits of hell”, but living the consequences of our actions.  

I see bad things happen in life as the result of the Law of Nature and Free Will.  I see my past and having made bad choices, but I don’t see God punishing me by making Gage suffer.  I see the disease as just the Law of Nature and probably Free Will because choices to pollute our world are causing disease.  I see God does not stop bad things from happening, He helps us through it.  

I see a possible theme for my writing this year, “in search of self”.  I can see with a perspective the past 2 years and what I needed to do to get me to this place where I am ready to work on finding my self.  I don’t think my spiritual self is at a “end” point, but I do see that 2 years of Bible Study has not changed how I feel about God and his relationship to us.  My God is  a God of Love, not Wrath.

I see the consequences of my actions.  When I focus on “earthly stuff/materialism”, I can not focus on my responsibilities.  When I don’t put any energy into my responsibilities, the house is a mess, I don’t cook good meals because I don’t grocery shop properly, I don’t take time in relationship with God to provide calm and peace, I neglect Bender and I don’t walk him, lean his ears and eyes.

I see a changed person, but not a happy person.  I see I function with half a heart.  The other half was amputated when Gage died.

I see different aspects of my life:  outdoors person, mountain biker, camper, hiker, skier.  Wife, home maker.  Creative, Gage’s art, photos, money envelopes.  Analytical, see things in Bible Study other don’t, see patterns, see lessons. Friend, listener. Sister and daughter. Not a professional person but would like that in my life. Need my independence, don’t like to punch a clock, get work done on my own time, work from home and possible go in to office periodically.  My biggest challenge is keeping my words in check.  I don’t like to be in crowds or in the frenzy of the world.  

I see I am not attached to people in my life, except Trux.  I would be sad or disappointed, but if someone does not want me in their life, I don’t want to be in their life either.

I don’t see a world where we are all connected.  I can see some hints of it like when I think of someone and they call.  I see a caring world with the population that volunteers but most of the time I see a selfish, narcissistic world.  Am I one of those? 

I see the stars and a full moon and am in awe.  I see beautiful things in nature like the time in Freepons Park.  It was spring time with the usual sun and showers.  There was a break in the rain so I took Bender to the park.  The sun was at my back and smoky black clouds were in front of me.  The new bright green leaves of the grass and trees looked florescent with the late afternoon sun shining brightly in contrast with the black clouds.  Accenting this scene was a beautiful, brilliant full rainbow across the sky. I felt like a willful child. Though I saw and felt awe and wonder of this creation, I refused to acknowledge that I was able to see this beauty.  If I did, I would then, in my grief, see God’s promise and gift in nature and see his message.  My heart felt like the black clouds. God was saying, even in the darkest hour of your life, I promise I will bring light and a rainbow. If I acknowledge this, then I would be admitting that this beauty actually made me feel good and this was an acceptable consolation to God not answering my prayers to spare Gage’s life.  I did not want to accept or acknowledge this gift.  

I can not help but notice the beautiful shows of nature, but I see it with my eyes.  This beauty can travel from the eyes to the heart to heal but I still refuse to let it in.  I see it, but I won’t let it touch my heart.  I won’t let the beauty in. I guess, I feel it is saying that this is okay.  This will never be okay. Letting in the beauty would mean I am accepting God’s will when it comes to Gage.  I have not gotten to that point.  It is just not okay.  It is like when someone hurts you and your refuse their hug to make up.  That is it … I have not forgiven God.  On the topic of forgiveness I was focused on forgiving a friend from a past event/life lesson; I did not recognize I had not forgiven God.  I have been working to get to know him and Jesus, but I do not forgive him. 

Why does the thought of forgiving God make me break down in tears?  What do I do with this new awareness?

2014-1-10 WITNESS WRITING EXERCISE - 1

So far, I now can see my journey in two stages.  The first stage was spiritual healing, seeking and trying to understand why God did not cure Gage and finding some comfort and peace in my heart.   I have reached a truth and understanding, but I have not quiet figured out how to put it into words.  The right words will come at some point.  

I received the gift of “Women Writing for (a) Change” at the right time.  I could not have taken on this type of healing work earlier; I was emotionally not ready. The subtitle of the book is, “A Guide for Creative Transformation” which involves finding my “self”.  I don’t know how to describe the self I am seeking.  It is not my biography, it is not my body, it is a part of me that dissolved the day Gage died.  This can  explain my feelings of being lost, disconnected, numb and alien in this world.  The book describes it as dissociation, a response to trauma, where the self splits off from the Self.  It is a divided self.  If I can find my self, then my hope is to make my way back into the world while keeping a healthy spiritual connection, resulting in holistic healing.  

Exercise 10-1 - What is Happening Now

Preparatory Note: You will need a kitchen timer, journal, and pen at hand to do the exercises in this chapter.

Write now: Set you kitchen timer for seven minutes.  Write freely, without thinking, only responding to the question, “What is happening now?”

When the timer sounds, read what you’ve written, underline six or seven strong-to-you words and make make a small poem.  Resist the compulsion to “do something” with this little poem other than read it out loud to yourself and say, “Hmmmmmmm. Interesting.”

December, 30 2013:

Sluggish, foggy brain. Thinking no motivation to live. Is this it? Errands, homemaking, clerical job? Will I find a purpose in life? There has to be more. Overcast skies, dreary, damp. Exercise might help.  Get involved with non-profits for their fundraising events. Active, do with Trux, benefit cause. What kind of job? Event/hospitality again?  Conference Direct again?  Liddy Shriver event?  Can I handle that?  Career/work - what to do with Bender?  Get through the day and focus on to do?  Rest of my life.  How to care about valuing life and each day?  More charity in 2014 - how?  Still the Gap.  Dream with Gage last night.  Saw him, felt him.  Love those dreams.  So sad when wake.  Healing different when no other children.  In dream with Gage, knew I was going to lose him.  Tried to appreciate time had.  Sunshine, Central, OR - how to spend more time there?  Is it effort of my own or just time?  Try to count blessings - time had with Gage, nice home to heal.

Active

Job

Focus

Care

Gage

Sunshine

Blessings

“Poem”

How do I care about life again?

I like to be physically active.

I like to be in nature.

It is a brief & momentary emotion.

I return to reality & it is gone.

I would like a job that is fulfilling.

If I have a focus, will I care again?

I can appreciate the light and warmth of the sunshine.

It too, in the moment, not lasting.

Gage, my son, only child, his death, I am shattered.

Blessed to have him for nine years.

I do the necessities of life, but I don’t care.

Exercise 10-2: I AM

Write now: Take up your timer and journal again; set it for seven minutes.  Write freely, in longhand, an extended series of “I am’s”:  I am … I am …  Continue using “I am” as a refrain, writing yourself deeply into the names of yourselves.

Read it out loud to yourself and let it be.

I am human, I am body, I am soul, I am wife, I am mother, I am lost, I am alien, I am uncertain, I am friend, I am conscious, I am confused, I am tired, I am clerical assistant, I am sister & daughter, I am niece and cousin, I am caring, I am sad, I am erratic, I am menopausal, I am post traumatic stress disorder, I am distraught, I am unfocused, I am person, I am petite, I am struggling, I am aware, I am analytical, I am quiet, I am independent, I am concerned, I am seeking, I am trying to understand, I am critical, I am empathetic, I am unsure, I am not mean, I am not selfish.

Exercise 10-3: Life Dissolves

Write now: Remember a moment in your life when you saw one life dissolve.  Write it as if it were happening now.  Use vivid details and names.  Let the story well up, don’t try to shape it or make it mean something.

Read it out loud to yourself and say, “Interesting.”  If emotions well up as you write or read aloud, this is not unusual.  Keep some tissues nearby.  The practice of reading and writing through tears is an excellent was to develop witness consciousness.

Gage’s last breath.  In our room on Cornell Street.  The home we bought to raise our son.  Gage spent the last months of his life sleeping in our bed.  He was lying on the left side of the our bed, Trux’s side.  Frank was on a chair on Gage’s right.  Sis and Moby at the foot of the bed.  I was on the bed next to him ,on his left.  Holding his hand with my left hand, touching his soft warm head and fine hair with my right.  He had his blanket at his head and held his Hobbs.  I did not want him to die, but the disease had won.  I did not want him to suffer any longer in his body.  He struggled with breathing and said he did not want to die.  We fought this disease for so long.  We did the best we could to protect him from bad outcomes of surgeries and many treatments.  We tended and cared for him.  In this desperate moment of struggle I could not help him.  I could not make it better. I could not give him comfort.  All we could do is give him more morphine and Adavan to relieve him of the struggle for oxygen and panic.  I told him this was our only option - medicine to make him feel better and he would wake up in heaven.

2014-1-9 The Gift Of Healing

THE GIFT OF HEALING

One of the Christmas presents I received this year was a book called, Women Writing for (a) Change, by Mary Pierce Brosmer.  From what I have read so far, my understanding is it is writing for personal change and healing which could result in a more global change from awareness.  The subtitle is, "A Guide for Creative Transformation".  I have been feeling a little stuck on my healing journey.  I still get entangled in the difficult memories and I feel a little lost and alien in this world.  I am doing things but I feel detached.  This book seems like a tool that can help me on the next phase of my journey.  I had gone to a therapist earlier in the year and it was an opportunity to talk through the grieving process, but I reached a point where I needed more.  I needed projects or homework, exercises to do to help me along the path.  I have found this type of work in this book.

The exercises from the book use writing to help with "dissociation" and produce healing for the wounded.  When the author described "dissociation" a sense of relief and understanding came over me.  "Dissociation occurs when, as a response to trauma, the Self splits from the self". Though I was functioning, and moving in this world, I still felt numb and detached.  I was thinking it was because of Gage's suffering and passing my perspective had changed and I did not view the world the same as others.  The author explains there are two "selves" and that our identity is not our biography.  I believe this relates to spiritual books that describe the "earthly self" and the "spiritual self".  Meditation, prayer, fasting, ritual are the attempts of the "earthly self" to connect with the "spiritual self" and thus "coming home".  Home with a capital H is "at-home-ness with our participation in the all, a depth of longing, and peace with things as they are and ourselves as we are".  The small h home, is "this world, our limited bodies, beauty and gritty ugliness as well as our wounded, changing mysterious lives".  Experiencing this world is a healthy balance between the two selves or two homes.  When trauma happens, "dissociation is a critical survival strategy, but on which often persists afterward as a habit of "going away".  That may explain my feeling of disconnectedness to this world because my "earthly self", my identity, was dissolved the day Gage passed.  I often have said that I don't know who I am anymore.

The book describes the exercises as "transforming dissociation into healthy awareness of the self".  I now realize I need some guidance to help me find myself.  Now I see my journal entries here as a combo of glimpses into the past and my progress as I go though the exercises of the book.

2014-1-6 Christmas Awakening

Trux and I entered the third holiday season without Gage with the usual dread.  Gage loved Halloween and Thanksgiving is the day Gage became paralyzed from the tumor in his spine.  I, though, decided to take on hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year, which I soon realized was not the smartest move.  Forcing myself to do the "normal" holiday thing of planning and organizing was very overwhelmed.  My brain was and is still foggy and sluggish. I guess the best description is trying to move quickly, efficiently and effectively submerged in molasses.  I pulled it off and the guests had a good time, but I functioned in survival mode.  It was nice to have friends and family with us, but I was relieved when the planning was over.

This Christmas was different, something had changed, and it was not by any effort of my own. Again,  Trux and I put on our emotional armor to face the coming weeks.  One thing I did plan was a Christmas cookie decorating gathering with Gage's friends and their mothers.  This is a tradition my mother did when I was younger and it soon became one of Gage's favorite events of the holiday.  Three of Gage's friends joined us each year. With much appreciation, one of the mothers of this group took on hosting the event for the past two years.  Now that we are in a new house with better space, I felt I could retake the helm.  I again had to get my act together to make the preparations.  I was overwhelmed and stressed, asking why I keep doing this to myself.  It all came together fine and it was comforting to be sharing this traditional with Gage's friends and their mothers.

Before the day of the cookie decorating I started to notice things.  The days were short so I was taking the dog for his evening walks in the dark.  I found myself noticing the Christmas lights and how pretty they were in the darkness.  I thought of Jesus being referred to as the "light" and the Christmas lights symbolic of Jesus' light in the dark.  The colors seemed more brilliant this year and really caught my attention.  Another day I was driving in the car and Christmas music came on and I did not turn it off.  It did not repulse me and turn my stomach. I could actually hear the music and appreciate the words celebrating Jesus' birth and how he changed our world.

One day in the house I had the memory of the smell of the Christmas tree.  I felt a "pang" or craving to have the smell in the house because it was an element missing that I associated with the cozy comfort of the season in contrast with the dark and cold outside.  Anger, resentment were still strong, I was not going to acknowledge Christmas.  As the days went by, the more I resisted the stronger the urgency became and I felt anxious.  Something inside me was saying: "Hurry up and get a tree, you are going to miss Christmas"!  My head did not care about missing Christmas, but something deep down inside me was stirring.  As with all children, Gage's love and excitement for the holiday filled our home with the Christmas spirit.  This year, I felt that by ignoring Christmas I was ignoring Gage and special memories we have with him in our life.  When I talked to Trux about this feeling, he had been feeling the same way.  The next weekend (a week before Christmas) Trux went and picked up the tree.  As a result of this screaming urgency inside, we had the tree up and decorated the morning of the Christmas cookie decorating party.  Surprisingly, looking at the decorations did not create pain.  I felt Gage's smile, joy, excitement and love especially when we hung his favorite ornaments.  I have felt Gage's guidance but this is the first time I was infused with his spirit and energy.  Thank you Gage, this is a precious gift.