Sunday, February 20, 2011
Tomorrow will be a week since Gage passed and the world continues to go on. Today, last week Gage was alive. I sit on the right side of our bed where Gage was. He slept next to me and I could always reach over and hold his warm soft hand. I knew we were going to lose him, but for that moment he was with me.
People keep saying I should make sure to journal this time. Frank would say I “should” not feel like I don’t have to do anything.
Gage’s “signs” have helped to warm my heart and put a stop to the moments of deep despair. I feel numb most of the day. When I wake I think I am one day older and one day closer to seeing Gage again and holding him in my arms. One day closer to no longer living this nightmare.
Gage’s purpose in this world will continue to reveal itself. One miracle is my half sister and niece are talking. Before they were growing apart.
When we named Gage we later found that the name “Gage” means “pledge, oath” and “Alexander” means “man’s defender, warrior”.
At the time when we discovered the meaning Gage had not yet been diagnosed. Gage was already enchanting people at a very young age, so we thought with pride, maybe our little boy is meant for great things.
Gage has done great things and we are so proud of him. But, we wish that did not involve a short life.
The meaning of Gage's name, “man’s defender”, “warrior”, clarifies or confirms how he touched so many lives. It reminds me of the poem of the brave little soul. The little soul who chose to live a life of suffering so he could create the miracle of Love. Gage never knew the meaning of his name, or at least I don’t recall talking to him about it His art though was always images of warriors and battles. The correlation is so amazing. Was this suffering his choice? Gage’s day of passing, Valentine’s Day is the day we celebrate Love. It all fits together.
Someone once asked me if I knew Gage’s destiny would I still chose to be his mother? Absolutely ... I am so honored to be the one and only person he called Mom.
I miss him with all my heart ... but he still reaches out to me. Today I was walking Bender again in Tryon Park and I heard the hoot of the owl again as I tearfully told the park ranger Gage’s story. It also makes sense that Gage would contact me through a Grey Horned Owl.
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