14-2-2 WITNESS WRITING - What I Feel

What I Feel

Dear Gage,

I feel resistant.  I feel an awakening and I accept some and fight others.  I feel your spirit inside me. I feel your encouragement and excitement when Daddy and I make steps to Live.  I feel you want us to live, just as I would want you to live if I had been the one to die.  I feel gratitude about the signs and guidance we receive.  I believe in a spiritual realm and a great Spirit (God, Allah, Oneness, Spirit). I, though, do not feel okay with what you suffered and your death. From your signs/coincidences, I feel a lift, like a wave in the ocean.  It lifts me up and carries me a little closer to the shore.  I feel anger and bitter that this is our life path.  Bereaved parents. No other children.  I resist forgiving.  I can’t understand how I can forgive without accepting your death.  To me accepting is to minimize what you suffered.  Accepting means "moving on".  Those memories haunt me. Accepting that there is a bigger picture that our human minds can not fathom.  I feel you saying: “Mommy, it is such a great surprise”!  I feel your excitement and anticipation like when you gave us a gift and watched us open it.  You loved to see us receive and accept the gift with joy, gratitude and appreciation.  I feel I can not completely accept what appears to be spiritual gifts like the beauty of nature gifts.  It is like a consolation prize.  You were not healed so instead accept the gifts of beauty in the world.

I feel injustice when I see a world unconscious and disconnect to the existence of a greater force or spiritual influences.  The life they live is with surviving children and just going through the motions of life.  They live completely for themselves, taking all the world has to give. They donate to causes, but don’t believe there is more to the world than their reality and life is good.  I feel angry, why did this have to happen to us, why was our only child, a brilliant, bright light taken from us?  I feel I would rather have you back than have this awareness.  I feel maybe God or a greater spirit, was just created by those who needed to make sense of their suffering.  Those who don't have suffering in life don't need a spiritual understanding. I feel if I let go of the anger, I will lose my connection with you.  I feel what will be gained from forgiveness is not better than what will be lost.  I am afraid it will be a loss, not a gain. I am afraid to let go.  I am afraid we won’t continue to get the signs. I am grateful for the signs.  I am concerned I am feeling what the the book, Women Writing for (a) Change, calls, “getting stuck in victim”.  This is when writers can become attached to, and identified with, the victim stories they are relating.  Is my stubbornness not to let go mean I am “getting stuck in victim”?

I feel guilt that I did not make good discipline decision or was patient enough with you.  I regret I did not have the right words to give you comfort during your last breaths.  When I wake up in the morning, the first feeling of the day is sadness.  It is waking up from oblivion and remembering you are gone and we are in this world without you.  I feel love and tenderness towards your friends.  They will always have a special place in my heart.  I feel more love and affection towards Daddy.  I feel fear, as I feel my affection towards Daddy return and get stronger.  I fear something will happen to take him away from me like you were taken from us.  I feel the urge to stifle this affection because maybe it will protect me from another heart break and the pain that reaches deep into my soul.  So broken, so traumatized it takes a lot of work and effort to recover.  To recover is a conscious, purposeful effort.  I don’t feel I try to heal because I want to live.  The drive to heal is that I don’t want more discomfort in my life.  To stop living, doing the things that need to be done would result in making life worse, not better.  Some people are so hurt from loss, they don’t care about life getting worse.  I do care about life getting harder and worse and not better.  I feel, though, I am not afraid to die, just a little worried about how it will happen.  I would also be worried about leaving Daddy.  I know you are okay.

Last night Daddy and I went out to a country western bar.  Going out takes initiative and energy so we have not felt like doing anything like this in a long time.  I had to resist the feeling to do the easy thing and just stay home and watch a movie.  I really had to force myself to go.  Easier.  Instead, we went out.  It was a 25 min. drive to the other side of town.  The darkness of the evening and the night lights of the city made me feel like I just wanted to crawl into bed.  I remember, in my younger days, the night gave me the feeling of excitement and anticipation of fun.  The bar was in an industrial area part of town, near the airport.  I felt anxious when the first thing we saw was a truck stop.  I felt this was going to be a bad scene with a bar filled with rough truckers and the type of crowd that would draw.  I felt out of our element, that this was a bad idea.

A dark skinned, unsmiling woman was our first impression.  Not a warm and friendly greeting and asked for our ID.  I felt this was silly, it was obvious we were over 21 but repressed my annoyance and retrieved my id from the car.”  I felt a little nervous about being in this unfamiliar environment and my eyes did not stray to the occupants of the bar stools.  I watched as Daddy interacted with the female barkeeper, with an extremely aged and wrinkled face, but alert eyes and helpful demeanor.  With the cover charge transaction completed, our wrists were stamped and we turned to find a table.  Spread out before us were the patrons seated at tables facing the dance floor and the stage.  It was a large space with high ceilings.  It was a country barn dance like feel which was an odd contradiction to the industrial world outside the doors.  We found a place to sit and the feeling of foreboding was quickly replaced with a willingness to embrace this new experience.

As the band played we first watched the dancers on the floor two-step in a circle.  We had never two-stepped so we watched their feet with a feeling of intense interest and the desire to learn.  The crowd was not the rough, loud, dirty, drunk, smoking group we had expected.  Smoking was not allowed inside so the air was not choked with the usual haze of a bar. There was a white haired couple, holding each other tight and slowing swaying to the music.  The couples we noticed two-stepping were close to our age and glided, embracing around the floor.  The steps ranged from basic to more complex but they were preformed with ease.  Daddy mentioned the moves seemed unemotional and robotic.  I thought there was a sense of meditation, being in the moment.  All thoughts only on their partner, the steps and the music.

When line dance music came on, the younger girls bounced out onto the dance floor bring a different springy energy with high pitched squeals.  There is always that one girl who knows how to move those hips just right to catch the attention of admirers.  Daddy noticed.   The dance floor was big enough for Daddy and I to find a space out of the way of the couples circling the floor. We picked up the two-step a bit and had a fun time and another couple gave us a few tips.  At the end of the evening we felt glad we explored outside of our comfort zone and had a fun evening together.

During the evening I did felt pangs of sadness and loss that we did not have to worry about getting home to you and relieving the babysitter.  We would not quietly go into your room and see you peacefully sleeping, safe, warm, cozy and comfortable in your bed and kiss you good night.  You would not drowsily open your eyes and say “Hi Mommy”.  I would not say “Hi buddy”.  You would not say, “Did you have fun?” And I would not say, “Yes we did”.  You would not say, “Good, but I missed you and am glad you are home”.  We would not say, “We missed you too and we are glad to be home to you too.  We learned the 2-step and will show you tomorrow”.  You would not say, “Okay, that sounds good. Good night, I love you”.  And I would not say, “Good night buddy, I love you too”.  You would not turn over with a sign of contentment, wrap your arms around your blankie and Hobbs, close your eyes and again drift off to sleep.

On the drive home we had an interesting coincidence.  Off the exit on the last stretch to home  there are about ten traffic lights over a distance of 6 miles.  On this evening, every traffic light was green.  Maybe it was because it was late in the evening and that is how the lights are timed because there is not much traffic.  Daddy and I like to think you were giving us the green light to live.  After we had gone through one light, Daddy saw it change to red.  You were happy to see Daddy and I going out, spending time together and enjoying each other’s company.

There was another time where the green lights were in Daddy’s favor.  Daddy had taken John into Portland for the day and felt a sad it wasn’t you.  From Portland all the way home, all the lights were green.  It was such a long distance, both John and Daddy could not help notice and believe it was you, giving the green light for Daddy and John to spend time together.

I feel you being fused with us.  Your guidance feels like a thought, an urging, an energy, a pang.  I am feeling like I am starting to understand the meaning of a spiritual relationship with you verse physical.  I still feel sad a lot but am trying to live.

All my love buddy, Mommy.

2014-1-27 WITNESS WRITING - What I See

Exercise 10-4 - Witnessing/paying attention practice to "What I See" (1 hr. free write). I was surprised where this exercise led me.  I reached a realization/awareness in the last two paragraphs.

What I See

I see spring starting and it is too soon.  There are more sunny days, though not warm.  I see two rooms still a mess, un-organized, not finished.  I see my husband struggling with work and I am helpless to change his world.  He has challenges at work, with his father and with dealing with grief.  He can not concentrate and how can i help when I struggle to see beyond my own grief.  I see the world continuing and I am still trying to figure out what I am suppose to do now.  How do I live for the greatest good.  Are we really living a life to serve God?  I see pediatric cancer stories continuing with no changes, no new development to fight this disease.  I see the funding going to adult cancer, not pediatric.  What can my role be to make a change? Liddy Shriver Foundation is focused on Sarcomas and their daughter died of Ewings Sarcoma like Gage.  I can’t see a direction, I can’t see where we can fit, there are too many needs.  I can see what is right in front of me, CCA Valentines fundraiser, Candelighters fundraising events, CHAP. I can see doing more of the events for the organizations that have helped us.  But none of these deal with research … Liddy Shriver/Cure Search.  

I see I am different and lost.  I see myself struggle with some friendships and trying to understand and redefine friendships.  The friendships that were closest to our journey are the hardest.  They were defined by Gage and our fight.  What are we without either?  How do we evolve to the next chapter of these friendships.  Other friendships are calmer, more comfortable and these are ones not as involved in Gage’s fight.  

I see myself working, though in a challenging job.  Not knowing bookkeeping or Quickbooks, needed to learn on the job.  

I see myself struggling to focus on what I “see” but I hear the song birds of spring outside my window.

I see myself running around town trying to figure out how to decorate room.  If I can just get this done then I can focus on my other projects:  photos for Trux’s frame, photo albums for the kids.  I see myself distracted with difficulty staying focused.  I don’t see myself has happy, just trying to get through each day.  Focus on the house decorating, it is a distraction.  But, I am also distracted for caring for the house. I see I have troubles with time management and I need quiet time to contemplate. That is a nice part of Bible Study. 

I see a person seeking, questioning, challenging. Trying to find a place of understanding.  Needing that quiet time to think. I see a person who is independent and okay with being by herself most of the time.  I see a person listening to struggles of others: financial, weight, friendless, recovering from the cancer fight, searching for self, marriage, communication.  I see I am not alone in struggles.  I see there is another way to look at trials, a place to gain wisdom that will maybe help face other storms in life.  I see I would not be here without Gage.  I see his smile with my minds eye.  He is happy we put up the Christmas tree and happy I am seeking God.  I can see how I would feel if I had died and he was left behind.  I would not want him to be sad, I would want him to find life again. I don’t see when I will find joy in my life again.  I could not see ever being able to acknowledge Christmas again, and Gage’s spirit kicked me in the butt.  I saw the lights at Christmas, saw the tree in the house.  The tree brought light in, brought Gage’s spirit in, brought unexpected healing in.  I saw the tree had fallen down while we were away.  Maybe Gage is saying he doesn’t think we should leave the house for Christmas. 

I see myself finding a fulfilling job that fit my skill set and personality.  I see Trux and I kayaking and exploring more.  I see making a comfortable home.  I see a yard that needs attention and work.  I see a lot of to dos. I see my relationship with Trux strained because he is struggling so much at work.  I wish I could see him get to a place of comfort at work.  I wish I could see him in a new job that fit his personality.  

I see a person that can not go back to who she was.  I see a me that is more conscious of right and wrong (sin) through Bible Study.  I see the consequences of sin and thus how trying to live a sinless life can enrich and draw goodness.  I see I don’t want to take on more work with Tony.  I see I am enticed by money and automatically say yes, when I know it will complicate life.  I see I am not capable to successfully juggle a lot. I see my marriage is more important to me than more money.  I see, thought, that I want to ease the financial burden on Trux and I don’t see how this can be down without compromising other things in our life. I see I need to take care of Bender and not to forget to keep him in the equation.  I see I need to really focus on my priorities and my mental capacity.  I see God’s guidance … sometimes … not most of the time.  I see God is not very loud unless he really wants to make a point. 

I see that though people around us have followed us through this journey, they go back to their regular scheduled lives.  My life, with Gage, is over.  I feel I am still lost.  I see, though, a bit, how it works.  I saw myself praying to God’s guidance of the last 2 years and nothing happened except for Bible Study.  I see this book come along at “general” place of understanding spiritually. I see my first 2 years as a spiritual journey. I see the next chapter is a personal journey to find my “self”.  

I see that there are passages in scripture that can support my belief that Jesus is not the only way.  He is the person I have chosen to guide me back to God.  

I see support that if someone believes in God, has a direct relationship with God, He will not condemn them if Jesus is not their savior.  They don’t need Jesus.  Jesus was a gift to the lost sheep of Israel.

I see that God’s wrath is not the “firey pits of hell”, but living the consequences of our actions.  

I see bad things happen in life as the result of the Law of Nature and Free Will.  I see my past and having made bad choices, but I don’t see God punishing me by making Gage suffer.  I see the disease as just the Law of Nature and probably Free Will because choices to pollute our world are causing disease.  I see God does not stop bad things from happening, He helps us through it.  

I see a possible theme for my writing this year, “in search of self”.  I can see with a perspective the past 2 years and what I needed to do to get me to this place where I am ready to work on finding my self.  I don’t think my spiritual self is at a “end” point, but I do see that 2 years of Bible Study has not changed how I feel about God and his relationship to us.  My God is  a God of Love, not Wrath.

I see the consequences of my actions.  When I focus on “earthly stuff/materialism”, I can not focus on my responsibilities.  When I don’t put any energy into my responsibilities, the house is a mess, I don’t cook good meals because I don’t grocery shop properly, I don’t take time in relationship with God to provide calm and peace, I neglect Bender and I don’t walk him, lean his ears and eyes.

I see a changed person, but not a happy person.  I see I function with half a heart.  The other half was amputated when Gage died.

I see different aspects of my life:  outdoors person, mountain biker, camper, hiker, skier.  Wife, home maker.  Creative, Gage’s art, photos, money envelopes.  Analytical, see things in Bible Study other don’t, see patterns, see lessons. Friend, listener. Sister and daughter. Not a professional person but would like that in my life. Need my independence, don’t like to punch a clock, get work done on my own time, work from home and possible go in to office periodically.  My biggest challenge is keeping my words in check.  I don’t like to be in crowds or in the frenzy of the world.  

I see I am not attached to people in my life, except Trux.  I would be sad or disappointed, but if someone does not want me in their life, I don’t want to be in their life either.

I don’t see a world where we are all connected.  I can see some hints of it like when I think of someone and they call.  I see a caring world with the population that volunteers but most of the time I see a selfish, narcissistic world.  Am I one of those? 

I see the stars and a full moon and am in awe.  I see beautiful things in nature like the time in Freepons Park.  It was spring time with the usual sun and showers.  There was a break in the rain so I took Bender to the park.  The sun was at my back and smoky black clouds were in front of me.  The new bright green leaves of the grass and trees looked florescent with the late afternoon sun shining brightly in contrast with the black clouds.  Accenting this scene was a beautiful, brilliant full rainbow across the sky. I felt like a willful child. Though I saw and felt awe and wonder of this creation, I refused to acknowledge that I was able to see this beauty.  If I did, I would then, in my grief, see God’s promise and gift in nature and see his message.  My heart felt like the black clouds. God was saying, even in the darkest hour of your life, I promise I will bring light and a rainbow. If I acknowledge this, then I would be admitting that this beauty actually made me feel good and this was an acceptable consolation to God not answering my prayers to spare Gage’s life.  I did not want to accept or acknowledge this gift.  

I can not help but notice the beautiful shows of nature, but I see it with my eyes.  This beauty can travel from the eyes to the heart to heal but I still refuse to let it in.  I see it, but I won’t let it touch my heart.  I won’t let the beauty in. I guess, I feel it is saying that this is okay.  This will never be okay. Letting in the beauty would mean I am accepting God’s will when it comes to Gage.  I have not gotten to that point.  It is just not okay.  It is like when someone hurts you and your refuse their hug to make up.  That is it … I have not forgiven God.  On the topic of forgiveness I was focused on forgiving a friend from a past event/life lesson; I did not recognize I had not forgiven God.  I have been working to get to know him and Jesus, but I do not forgive him. 

Why does the thought of forgiving God make me break down in tears?  What do I do with this new awareness?

2014-1-10 WITNESS WRITING EXERCISE - 1

So far, I now can see my journey in two stages.  The first stage was spiritual healing, seeking and trying to understand why God did not cure Gage and finding some comfort and peace in my heart.   I have reached a truth and understanding, but I have not quiet figured out how to put it into words.  The right words will come at some point.  

I received the gift of “Women Writing for (a) Change” at the right time.  I could not have taken on this type of healing work earlier; I was emotionally not ready. The subtitle of the book is, “A Guide for Creative Transformation” which involves finding my “self”.  I don’t know how to describe the self I am seeking.  It is not my biography, it is not my body, it is a part of me that dissolved the day Gage died.  This can  explain my feelings of being lost, disconnected, numb and alien in this world.  The book describes it as dissociation, a response to trauma, where the self splits off from the Self.  It is a divided self.  If I can find my self, then my hope is to make my way back into the world while keeping a healthy spiritual connection, resulting in holistic healing.  

Exercise 10-1 - What is Happening Now

Preparatory Note: You will need a kitchen timer, journal, and pen at hand to do the exercises in this chapter.

Write now: Set you kitchen timer for seven minutes.  Write freely, without thinking, only responding to the question, “What is happening now?”

When the timer sounds, read what you’ve written, underline six or seven strong-to-you words and make make a small poem.  Resist the compulsion to “do something” with this little poem other than read it out loud to yourself and say, “Hmmmmmmm. Interesting.”

December, 30 2013:

Sluggish, foggy brain. Thinking no motivation to live. Is this it? Errands, homemaking, clerical job? Will I find a purpose in life? There has to be more. Overcast skies, dreary, damp. Exercise might help.  Get involved with non-profits for their fundraising events. Active, do with Trux, benefit cause. What kind of job? Event/hospitality again?  Conference Direct again?  Liddy Shriver event?  Can I handle that?  Career/work - what to do with Bender?  Get through the day and focus on to do?  Rest of my life.  How to care about valuing life and each day?  More charity in 2014 - how?  Still the Gap.  Dream with Gage last night.  Saw him, felt him.  Love those dreams.  So sad when wake.  Healing different when no other children.  In dream with Gage, knew I was going to lose him.  Tried to appreciate time had.  Sunshine, Central, OR - how to spend more time there?  Is it effort of my own or just time?  Try to count blessings - time had with Gage, nice home to heal.

Active

Job

Focus

Care

Gage

Sunshine

Blessings

“Poem”

How do I care about life again?

I like to be physically active.

I like to be in nature.

It is a brief & momentary emotion.

I return to reality & it is gone.

I would like a job that is fulfilling.

If I have a focus, will I care again?

I can appreciate the light and warmth of the sunshine.

It too, in the moment, not lasting.

Gage, my son, only child, his death, I am shattered.

Blessed to have him for nine years.

I do the necessities of life, but I don’t care.

Exercise 10-2: I AM

Write now: Take up your timer and journal again; set it for seven minutes.  Write freely, in longhand, an extended series of “I am’s”:  I am … I am …  Continue using “I am” as a refrain, writing yourself deeply into the names of yourselves.

Read it out loud to yourself and let it be.

I am human, I am body, I am soul, I am wife, I am mother, I am lost, I am alien, I am uncertain, I am friend, I am conscious, I am confused, I am tired, I am clerical assistant, I am sister & daughter, I am niece and cousin, I am caring, I am sad, I am erratic, I am menopausal, I am post traumatic stress disorder, I am distraught, I am unfocused, I am person, I am petite, I am struggling, I am aware, I am analytical, I am quiet, I am independent, I am concerned, I am seeking, I am trying to understand, I am critical, I am empathetic, I am unsure, I am not mean, I am not selfish.

Exercise 10-3: Life Dissolves

Write now: Remember a moment in your life when you saw one life dissolve.  Write it as if it were happening now.  Use vivid details and names.  Let the story well up, don’t try to shape it or make it mean something.

Read it out loud to yourself and say, “Interesting.”  If emotions well up as you write or read aloud, this is not unusual.  Keep some tissues nearby.  The practice of reading and writing through tears is an excellent was to develop witness consciousness.

Gage’s last breath.  In our room on Cornell Street.  The home we bought to raise our son.  Gage spent the last months of his life sleeping in our bed.  He was lying on the left side of the our bed, Trux’s side.  Frank was on a chair on Gage’s right.  Sis and Moby at the foot of the bed.  I was on the bed next to him ,on his left.  Holding his hand with my left hand, touching his soft warm head and fine hair with my right.  He had his blanket at his head and held his Hobbs.  I did not want him to die, but the disease had won.  I did not want him to suffer any longer in his body.  He struggled with breathing and said he did not want to die.  We fought this disease for so long.  We did the best we could to protect him from bad outcomes of surgeries and many treatments.  We tended and cared for him.  In this desperate moment of struggle I could not help him.  I could not make it better. I could not give him comfort.  All we could do is give him more morphine and Adavan to relieve him of the struggle for oxygen and panic.  I told him this was our only option - medicine to make him feel better and he would wake up in heaven.

2014-1-9 The Gift Of Healing

THE GIFT OF HEALING

One of the Christmas presents I received this year was a book called, Women Writing for (a) Change, by Mary Pierce Brosmer.  From what I have read so far, my understanding is it is writing for personal change and healing which could result in a more global change from awareness.  The subtitle is, "A Guide for Creative Transformation".  I have been feeling a little stuck on my healing journey.  I still get entangled in the difficult memories and I feel a little lost and alien in this world.  I am doing things but I feel detached.  This book seems like a tool that can help me on the next phase of my journey.  I had gone to a therapist earlier in the year and it was an opportunity to talk through the grieving process, but I reached a point where I needed more.  I needed projects or homework, exercises to do to help me along the path.  I have found this type of work in this book.

The exercises from the book use writing to help with "dissociation" and produce healing for the wounded.  When the author described "dissociation" a sense of relief and understanding came over me.  "Dissociation occurs when, as a response to trauma, the Self splits from the self". Though I was functioning, and moving in this world, I still felt numb and detached.  I was thinking it was because of Gage's suffering and passing my perspective had changed and I did not view the world the same as others.  The author explains there are two "selves" and that our identity is not our biography.  I believe this relates to spiritual books that describe the "earthly self" and the "spiritual self".  Meditation, prayer, fasting, ritual are the attempts of the "earthly self" to connect with the "spiritual self" and thus "coming home".  Home with a capital H is "at-home-ness with our participation in the all, a depth of longing, and peace with things as they are and ourselves as we are".  The small h home, is "this world, our limited bodies, beauty and gritty ugliness as well as our wounded, changing mysterious lives".  Experiencing this world is a healthy balance between the two selves or two homes.  When trauma happens, "dissociation is a critical survival strategy, but on which often persists afterward as a habit of "going away".  That may explain my feeling of disconnectedness to this world because my "earthly self", my identity, was dissolved the day Gage passed.  I often have said that I don't know who I am anymore.

The book describes the exercises as "transforming dissociation into healthy awareness of the self".  I now realize I need some guidance to help me find myself.  Now I see my journal entries here as a combo of glimpses into the past and my progress as I go though the exercises of the book.

2014-1-6 Christmas Awakening

Trux and I entered the third holiday season without Gage with the usual dread.  Gage loved Halloween and Thanksgiving is the day Gage became paralyzed from the tumor in his spine.  I, though, decided to take on hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year, which I soon realized was not the smartest move.  Forcing myself to do the "normal" holiday thing of planning and organizing was very overwhelmed.  My brain was and is still foggy and sluggish. I guess the best description is trying to move quickly, efficiently and effectively submerged in molasses.  I pulled it off and the guests had a good time, but I functioned in survival mode.  It was nice to have friends and family with us, but I was relieved when the planning was over.

This Christmas was different, something had changed, and it was not by any effort of my own. Again,  Trux and I put on our emotional armor to face the coming weeks.  One thing I did plan was a Christmas cookie decorating gathering with Gage's friends and their mothers.  This is a tradition my mother did when I was younger and it soon became one of Gage's favorite events of the holiday.  Three of Gage's friends joined us each year. With much appreciation, one of the mothers of this group took on hosting the event for the past two years.  Now that we are in a new house with better space, I felt I could retake the helm.  I again had to get my act together to make the preparations.  I was overwhelmed and stressed, asking why I keep doing this to myself.  It all came together fine and it was comforting to be sharing this traditional with Gage's friends and their mothers.

Before the day of the cookie decorating I started to notice things.  The days were short so I was taking the dog for his evening walks in the dark.  I found myself noticing the Christmas lights and how pretty they were in the darkness.  I thought of Jesus being referred to as the "light" and the Christmas lights symbolic of Jesus' light in the dark.  The colors seemed more brilliant this year and really caught my attention.  Another day I was driving in the car and Christmas music came on and I did not turn it off.  It did not repulse me and turn my stomach. I could actually hear the music and appreciate the words celebrating Jesus' birth and how he changed our world.

One day in the house I had the memory of the smell of the Christmas tree.  I felt a "pang" or craving to have the smell in the house because it was an element missing that I associated with the cozy comfort of the season in contrast with the dark and cold outside.  Anger, resentment were still strong, I was not going to acknowledge Christmas.  As the days went by, the more I resisted the stronger the urgency became and I felt anxious.  Something inside me was saying: "Hurry up and get a tree, you are going to miss Christmas"!  My head did not care about missing Christmas, but something deep down inside me was stirring.  As with all children, Gage's love and excitement for the holiday filled our home with the Christmas spirit.  This year, I felt that by ignoring Christmas I was ignoring Gage and special memories we have with him in our life.  When I talked to Trux about this feeling, he had been feeling the same way.  The next weekend (a week before Christmas) Trux went and picked up the tree.  As a result of this screaming urgency inside, we had the tree up and decorated the morning of the Christmas cookie decorating party.  Surprisingly, looking at the decorations did not create pain.  I felt Gage's smile, joy, excitement and love especially when we hung his favorite ornaments.  I have felt Gage's guidance but this is the first time I was infused with his spirit and energy.  Thank you Gage, this is a precious gift.

2013-10-4 Just Follow the Instructions

“Zeze, just follow the instructions”.  These are the words from my nine year old son to his grandmother at the end of his life.   My son, my only child, after battling cancer for 6 years, passed 2 years and 7 months ago on Valentines 2011.  I never knew about this conversation and my mother-in-law has shared it with me recently, at a very timely period in my healing journey. 

What kind of God would allow a child to suffer the pain, debilitation and ravages of cancer?  What kind of God would allow all of the horrors and suffering in our world?  Why? Since that day my search as been to try and replace the anger and resentment with some kind of comfort and peace.  I believe if I could just understand “why”, then the peace in  my heart will follow.  I have talked with others who have experienced a similar loss as well as Christian leaders, but their answer was there is no answer.  

After all I witnessed my son endure,  “no answer” is unacceptable.  I guess this a trait of mine my go back to my youth and my parents giving a gift of “The Big Book of Answers”.  I am not sure if I actually looked at the book, but I do recall it was VERY BIG and my parents may have figured it would at least keep me busy for awhile.  I am sure Gage’s doctors felt the same way and if there existed “The Big Book of Answers” for pediatric cancer they would have gladly handed it over.  The standard response my husband and I had to treatment was why this protocol, why do these side effects happen, why do cells respond in that particular why, why does cancer happen, what are the other options, “nothing” is unacceptable, there has to be something more.  When the doctors said there was no longer any hope, and Gage still wanted to fight, we did all we could to make sure there was no stone left unturned.  When it was time for Gage to transition he knew,and we knew, we had done the best we could with the resources available to us at the time. 

Searching and seeking has been my mission and it has been a roller coaster moving in and out of my Christian upbringing.  The reason I have been wavering in my faith is because I have been exposed to other beliefs that have the similar messages as Jesus’ teachings.  Additionally, the Christian superiority perspective has been a challenge.  I also have read “historical and critical” approaches to the Bible which has caused me to question the content of the Bible.  Trying to compare other faiths to Christianity, reading different perspectives and analysis can get overwhelming.  What is “the Truth”?  This brings me back to the comment from Gage:

“Zeze, just follow the instructions”

So how do you know what the right instructions are?  I think the answer involves opening ourselves up to the different faiths and looking at the similar instructions instead of the differences.  It seems like the similarities revolve around the divine, Peace and Love.

One of my biggest challenge with Christianity is John 14:6, “I am the way ... no one comes to God except by me”.  What if Christians have mistakenly assumed Jesus was pointing to himself as "the only way to the Father." Instead, he was saying that his way -- that is, his life, his teachings, the way he thought and so lived --when followed, was a way to an abundant, eternal life.  At the time, Jesus’ teachings were a revelation and good news to those enslaved to the rituals of Judaism or worshiping idols.  He is saying you don’t need the outward forms of worship, you can have a direct, personal, loving relationship with the divine.  This ability is within everyone. 

Are the miracles true?  Maybe, maybe not.  The miracles speak to me more if I don’t look at them literally.  For example when Jesus heals the sick (Matthew 4:24) and suffering from severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures and the paralyzed.  Looking at these as analogies, can describe a life without God verses with God.  A life without God is painful (severe pain), don’t know how to chose good over evil (demon-possessed), feel out of control/confusing (seizures) and stuck in the darkness (paralyzed).  

Instead of getting wrapped up in the historical details, looking at some Biblical stories as analogies can bring out the instructions, reconnect with God and change our hearts.  I have found when I open my heart to God or the divine, I find guidance and gifts of grace.

There is more to the story about Gage’s conversation with Zeze.  My mother-in-law wrote me to tell me about a dream she had about Gage.  She was seated in a small group in what seemed like a theater.  Gage was standing in front of them and giving them direction.  This does not surprise me since he liked the idea of being considered a teacher and not a hero or brave.  The group was confused about what Gage was trying to tell them and he was a little frustrated but amused that they didn’t get it (I like the image of him thinking ... you are making this more complicated than it needs to be.  It really is quite simple).  After telling me about this dream she said it reminded her about the comment of “Zeze, just follow the instructions”. 

During this time, my friend was concerned about my wavering faith and prayed for me during a prayer group.  On her way home she saw a stop sign with Gage’s name on it and took a picture.  She had also gotten out of the car to take a closer look.  Turned out it was a “Garage Sale” sign and the paper had folded over and as a result read “GAGE”.  Interesting timing and that the paper had folded over in that specific way.

This was the final coincidence because not only did the sign say Gage’s name, but it was a “directional” sign with an arrow.  Additionally the sign was posted on a “stop” sign.  One similar instruction across most faiths is to stop, take time for prayer and meditation.  Okay, I got the message Gage.

This story is one of many gifts of Grace and Love I have experienced since Gage’s passing.  I still don’t understand why Gage had to suffer so deeply and leave this world, but through these gifts I know he is safe, healed and waiting for us.  As the Bible looks back at past events and sees a pattern, maybe one day I will look back, look at my life and say “Ah ha”, I get it now.  Though it would have been a lot easier if understanding had been revealed to me in the moment, but we all know it doesn’t work that way.  Isn’t there a saying “perspective is the best teacher”?

One criticism of the Bible is that none of the original writings exist.  The letters have been copied and rewritten and manipulated and translated over centuries so there is no way to know the true story.  This might be the case, but when I study the Bible, when I focus on Jesus’ teaching of Peace and Love it gives me tools on how to get through the challenges of each day.  I just ignore the stuff about a wrathful God and going to Hell which I feel are a contradiction to the loving God Jesus teaches.  God never guaranteed life would be easy and I believe He does not stop bad things from happening, but He helps us through it.

This is where I am today in my journey, it has been an interesting ride and I expect will continue to morph and develop as I continue to seek and question.  In the meantime, I will try to “just follow the instructions” and do the best I can with each day.  

2011-4-6 Are You In The Stars?

March 6, 2011

Dear Gagie,

This weekend Dad and I went to a pretty Bed and Breakfast in McMinnville, OR.  It was beautiful and the perfect birthday gift for me from your Dad.  The house was high up on this hill with a really long driveway.  We were given a special room with a balcony and it looked out over the valley.  I loved having all the views and space around us ... I felt like I could breath.  I also felt like we were up in the clouds like you in heaven.  It was so quiet except for the “peeper frogs” in a small pond on the property.  The beauty of nature always makes my  heart feel good.  Since you made your journey to heaven, my heart felt sad.  But, just like your smile ... it made me feel good.  At night the stars were beautiful and bright.  It was cold so we couldn’t stay outside too long, but I looked up and wondered if you were up in the stars.

What is space?  Have figured that out?  Are black holes really a way for spirits to travel to heaven?  Is your spirit a supernova or does it have as much energy as a supernova?  I wouldn’t be surprised it it was.  I bet you just shot out of your body when you realized you were free!

I find myself saying or thinking “Gage would really like that” or “Gage would order that calamari from this menu”.  I think you would have liked the food from the tapas menu at the restaurant we went to on Sat. night.

Barbara and Scott put together a wonderful slide show for your service.  It actually made me smile and not cry.  Why is that? Maybe because it is the celebration of you life with lots of pictures of your smiles ... and you know how much I love your smile.

I sleep with your Hobbs and your blankie.  Your blankie is starting to lose your smell but it still gives me something to hold when I can’t hold your hand or to cuddle with Hobbs when I can’t cuddle with you.

Come to my dreams buddy.  I so wish to see you running, laughing and playing.

Good night sweet boy. I miss you so much!  I love you, Mommy