2011-2-16 Day of Passing - Valentine's Day

Going back to these memories I knew was going to be difficult thus delaying this blog.  I also strongly believe that going back is significant to see from where I have come compared to where I am today.  My purpose for letting others into this experience is to give other grieving parents hope and the strength to live.  

I was recently inspired by a mother, Scarlett Lewis, who lost her son in the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting.  Jesse was six years old and a hero because he ran in front of the bullets to save the lives of his classmates.  Jesse also left his mother evidence that his spiritual self knew he was going to die.  He had written the words "Nurturing, Healing, Love" on a chalk board in their home.  This was not a regular thing for Jesse to do.  It was too painful to return home immediately after the shooting, but when Scarlett did return, she found those three words, written phonetically as a six year old would write. When Jesse's box of school items arrived, there was a drawing of an angel standing in front of a black, dark evil being.  

Scarlett's words were validating to me because I feel I have had many experiences that tell me Gage is safe, healed, alive and with me.  Scarlett also described an "experience" she had where she had died and Jesse was alive.  During this experience she wanted desperately for Jesse to find happiness again.  Many efforts at comfort from others have included that Gage would want me to live, but I could not absorb these words. They would just flowed over my numb body and off of me.  For some reason Scarlett's experience reached me and went right to my heart.  It would tear me apart to watch Gage suffer through grief if I was the one who died.  Maybe this explains why I have the strongest and most immediate coincidences when I cry.  In life, Gage never liked it when I cried and I have gotten the strong message he feels the same way in the After Life.

My journey is about my search for the answer to why Gage had cancer, why he had to suffer and why he had to die.  Additionally, this journey includes many experiences that encourage and sustain me to believe that Gage is guiding me and keeping me on task.

The section in green is what I have retyped from my journal entries.  I have tried not to change anything and keep it as it had been written, in the "free write" format and unedited.

February 16, 2011

Has it really only been 2 days? My sweet, beautiful, loving, strong little boy has made his journey to Heaven. The day of passing was February 14, 2011, 3pm - Valentines Day. The day of Love. Gage and Frank (Gage’s art instructor and friend), had been planning Valentines Gifts to me, Trux (my husband) and Sis and Moby (Gage's grandparents). Gage had woken at 6am. We were blessed with a full night’s sleep, which is amazing since the night before he was up most of the night. He was wheezing and struggling to breathe.

The other day Frank said that now is the time to write about this ... but it is so hard to relive because with it comes sadness and regrets. As I try to fight the thoughts of regret, I struggle with so many emotions that are brought back to the surface from those last moments. 

Those memories that torture me and make my guts twist ... I have to remember are past and once we were able to get Gage comfortable ... he had forgotten those difficult moments and was just grateful not to be scared anymore. The medicine can be like amnesia medicine ... like when we were at the hospital. Those medicines erased any memory of fear or pain.

I have to believe that once we were giving him the right medicine ... he was comfortable and peaceful in the moment ... just like he lived his life. Also, once he passed ... the fear of dying was gone and he was free.

I am writing in green because this is the color Gage used to draw. He was a wonderful and amazing artist and has left us with so much to admire.

When Gage woke at 6am and he asked what time it was. I told him it was 6am. His mouth was dry and he wanted to sip on the flat Dr. Pepper (his favorite drinks were Dr. Pepper, Root Beer and Birch Beer). It is amazing on how foggy this is all now ...

I think we gave hime more morphine and “relax medicine” (Adavan) and this helped him to rest more. Trux stayed with him while I had coffee and showered. When I went back to the room, Gage was struggling to tell Trux something. 

When Trux stayed or slept with him he held his hand. Gage always was comforted by have his hand held. It was always comforting to me because it was so warm and soft, it warmed my heart.

When I had given him the “relax medicine” he wanted to make sure it would not knock him out. He said he didn’t want to be a “Moby Junior”. Moby (Trux’s step father) is infamous for his “monumental naps” and sleeping a long time. This made Trux and me laugh. We made a comment on how he can make us laugh even now. Gage’s come back was something like “the only thing that would make me laugh is me in a tutu”. I was shocked to hear that because we have a picture when he was 2 or 3, at Ally’s house, in a tutu. He was always very embarrassed about that. 

After we gave him the “relax medicine” Trux and I switched places and Trux went for a run. Gage had been declining but we did not know this was the day he would die.  I settled next to Gage and put the pillows by his feet so I could lean on them and face Gage and he could see me. I held his sweet little warm hand and read to him from Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Gage rested a bit but then would awake in a panic and couldn’t breathe. I gave him more morphine and “relax medicine” and had Sis try and reach Trux. I felt he needed more medicine but wanted Trux to be there to be on board with the decision. We were trying to honor Gage’s wish not to give him much “relax medicine” but he was in distress. I called Hospice and told them the situation was urgent and we needed a nurse. The anxiety of the moment was so intense. They put me on hold while they tried to find the closest available nurse. Deva (the Hospice nurse) was on her way ... a half hour out! That was the longest half hour. 

Trux returned and we were trying to get Gage comfortable. Gage was trying to tell us something and it was so hard to understand. I think and pray we guessed right and that he was scared and needed help. I think I told him we needed to give more medicine and he would sleep and probably wake in Heaven. Deva arrived and was helping us administer the meds to get him out of distress. She said she heard him say “I am scared, I don’t want to die”. We tried the best we could to provide comforting words. In the past, Gage expressed worry about needing more oxygen eventually. I had promised that Hospice had medicine to help him with breathing. When Gage was in distress ... which is what I promised would not happen and with tears I told this to Deva. Once we increased the “relax medicine” he was peaceful and comfortable. Gage could not be comfortable and awake at the same time. So Gage slept and we all sat around him and talked and read to him. I called Frank and he brought to us the Valentines gifts Gage requested. Shortly after opening our gifts our brave little soul passed at 3pm.

Trux is reminding me of more that was said when I was telling Gage about more medicine and waking in Heaven. Trux says that I said it is okay and that I had once heard the saying “dying sucks but death is beautiful”. 

(I had been thinking how death sucks and this saying popped into my and I regretted allowing them to escape my lips. These were adult words, not something to say to a dying child. I wish I could rewind and talk to him about the cartoon characters he loved, Pokemon and how they evolve into stronger beings. On the show when the Pokemon evolved it looked like an uncomfortable process but after they were more powerful than ever.)

Gage was very upset with this and said “don’t say that word”. He roused from his groggy sleep trying to say these words. Trux finally understood because of a recent talk he had with Gage about death, anger and the cancer. Trux told him he could use bad words like “sucks” between the two of them but not around me and his grandmother, Zeze (Sis). When I said this bad word, Sis was standing behind me.