February 18, 2011
After Gage passed I held him and savored the feel of his body against mine. I held him without worry of hurting him or making it hard to breathe. I held him and cried. I cried so hard.
It is all so foggy. Trux and I had some time alone with Gage. At some point the CNA nurse (Norma) and I bathed him and put him in his favorite clothes. It was his camo pants, Avatar shirt and camo sweatshirt. We also put socks on him. It was comforting to tend to his body. Norma and I talked about Gage. She told me a story of a 4 year old boy who died and came back. He said all children got to sit on God’s lap. That there were angels with swords and bow and arrows ... a lot like the angels Gage drew. I wonder how much of the images Gage drew were memories of what he knew of Heaven and not just his imagination?
When we were done we let our friends know of Gage’s passing. They came to say good-bye and Gage’s friends, Ally and John, came to see Gage one last time. We had visitors until 9pm. After everyone left, Trux carried Gage out to me in the car. Our last drive together like so many trips to the hospital. Because Gage’s back hurt, he would lie in the back with me with his head on my lap. On this trip, we wrapped him in his Spiderman blanket with his pillow. We brought his stuffed snake, his dino bionicle, some Yu-Gi_Oh cards and a pocket knife. I could not let his blankie or stuffed tiger “Hobbs” go. I am so grateful to have them to hold, smell, kiss and cry with. Gage looked like he was asleep on my lap.
When we arrived at the funeral home, Mark (the Social Worker) was there to greet us. He helped Trux carry Gage into the chapel where they had a table ready to place Gage on. I sobbed, hugged and touched my little boy for the last time. It was so hard to leave him. This body that we have tried to care for all these years. Just leaving him with strangers in a strange place. I knew his body was only a shell, but he still looked so beautiful and angelic. He was cold, very cold by now ... the confirmation that he was gone. He had wonderful long eyelashes soft skin ... my boy ... my beautiful boy ... it was so hard to leave you. At home I had struggled with keeping him with us overnight and taking him to the funeral home the next day. Deva said there was a good chance he would change and final images are very strong. I feared for this final image. The image I have now is of a sleeping little boy. My last sight of him was at the door of the chapel. He lay alone in this big room on the far right side in the corner. So small, so still. So hard to leave.
Frank drove us home and Trux and I sat in the back. Quiet and numb. The thought of cremating his little body also heavy on our hearts. Frank helped us with this. He believes that the cremation allowed an instant release of all the powerful energy and essense of the body. Gage’s body so broken ... I liked the thought of all that strength he had exploding into the universe. I was numb and the ride was a visual fog. It was a cold rainy day and night. We returned home to Sis and Moby. I recall sitting in the livingroom with Trux with the animals in our laps. I don’t remember what we talked about, but we had a drink and cried together. When we crawled into our bed that we shared with Gage for so many months, we slept an exhausted sleep.
The next day I woke and my whole body felt like rubber. It was a day of feeling numb, so much sobbing, so much sadness. Pastor Bob came by in the morning to go over the service. I could not contain my crying so we covered date options and other details I don’t remember. Three PM was the time scheduled for the cremation. I spent some time talking to Deva on whether to be there for the cremation or not. Deva and Mark were our proxys and were our eyes for the process. Trux and I had the strong need to know everything happening with our boy ... but we knew we could not watch with our own eyes. Deva discouraged me from one last viewing of Gage. She said these last images are very strong and I was afraid of Gage changing a lot from the day before. She suggested Trux and I go for a walk together to connect with Gage and be with him spiritually. Trux suggested Tryon Park where we took Gage frequently.
Deva and Mark stopped by the house first on the way down to the funeral home. Someone had given us Valentine’s Day cookies with Mom, Dad and Gage. We never gave Gage a Valentine so I wanted these to go with him. I asked Deva to give him one last kiss for me. So she told me to kiss her forehead and she will pass it on.
At the time of the cremation we were visiting Gage’s favorite spots on in the park. We explained to him what the cremation was and it was complete release from his body. We told him how much we loved and missed him but were happy he was free from his broken body. Even if he had managed to fight off this disease, his life would have been filled with so much more pain and suffering. We knew Gage’s attitude was he didn’t care and just wanted to live. God loved him too much and knew he did not need to suffer any longer. Instead, freedom from pain and suffering was possible in Heaven.
Trux and I talked about Gage’s last hours when he was in some distress. This is a hard and torturous memory and we cried over this. Then at the time of the cremation there was a loud rumble of thunder over our heads. We like to believe that Gage and God are saying he is okay. Thunder in February in Oregon is rare.
(In retrospect, as I retype these notes, maybe the thunder was as Frank had mentioned. That the thunder was the sound of the instant release of all the powerful energy and essence of Gage’s body)
When Deva and Mark came back to our house, they brought Gage’s ashes. We had a fire going and we cried and laughed together over wine. One of the things Deva mentioned was the number that was for Gage’s ID. It was 579579 and the funeral director said it was an unusual number and asked if it had any significance to our family. I could not think of anything. We talked until late and then Deva touched her forehead with mine and said that is the return kiss from my boy.
Whenever Gage had a question we could not answer, we would “google it”. The next day I “googled” 579579. The first few pages were MLS numbers for real estate. Nothing specific. I was wondering if Gage was telling us where to live next. When I got to the third page (3 seeming an important number in relation to Gage), there at the top of the search results was “I Love You”. It caught my breath. When I opened the link, it brought me to a discussion page about saying “I Love You” in French. What caught my eye next is that the first journal entry of this discussion was dated July 13 2007! July 13 is Gage’s birthday. A possible significance of 2007 is 2+7=9, Gage’s age. Is that my sweet boy saying “I Love You”?
I think Gagie also communicated with me yesterday as well. It was a hard day for me. When I woke everyone was in “business mode”. Trux had written the obituary and was talking about going to the movies. paster Bob was scheduled to come by and Moby wanted to go over the artbook he created of sampling of Gage’s art. I was feeling overwhelmed. They also wanted to discuss the service details. I was feeling anxious about the art book because I know how private Gage was about his art. Would he be okay with this? I knew if I was there during the service discussion I would just cry the whole time. I went to my room and cried and thought I needed to escape to Jane’s. Luckily she texted me and was on her way home.
We had tea and talked and she helped me work through my thoughts. We went for a walk with Gage in Tryon Park. I was swimming in green ... the ferns and moss. The sun was in and out and it was beautiful! At one point there was a nice sunny spot and Jane and I lifted our faces to feel the warmth. We each said a prayer out loud. Mostly asking that Gage is safe, free, running and playing. After our prayers there was a brief silence and then the sound of an owl hooting in the distance. Jane and I were shocked ... an owl in the middle of the day? It made us smile thinking it might be Gage.
Later that day I was talking to my doctor. She was knowledgeable about Native American faith. I asked if there was any significance associated with an owl. She said that the owl represents wisdom and an old soul. Wow ... that is our Gagie, so wise beyond his years. Later she called back and said she had a friend who had knowledge on the Northwest Native faith. They believe that the owl is a newly released soul! More evidence our Gagie is hearing us.
