March 5, 2011
They say “grief will not be denied”. You have to face grief or it will come back 10 fold. I see that this morning. Yesterday was my birthday. It has been almost three weeks since Gage’s passing. My first birthday without a hug, “Happy Birthday Mommy”, a big smile, a hand made card and a gift he and Trux picked out together. Not exactly a day I want to recognize or celebrate, but Trux and friends wanted to make sure I had a good day because Gage would have wanted it that way.
Trux treated me to a nice breakfast in bed. The girls (Barbara, Jane and Jan) treated me to lunch and a pedicure. This also involved wine at 1pm in the afternoon. The buzz numbed me to the sorrow for the rest of the day. After a brief meeting with the pastor, Kea and James Davis came by with chocolate covered strawberries and bananas ... yum with wine. The smiles and laughter came easily and we spoke of Gage with joy. Next Frank picked us up for a nice dinner with more wine. It turned into a nice day.
Then at 1am the buzz was wearing off and the hangover came on and the loss of Gage hit me in the gut. I know I can’t wish for him back or to wish to redo his life with us. Make a deal with God to give Gage a life without cancer, but was it his destiny to have a short life and to pass at 9? God could “rewind” but have him pass in a different way? By suffering or having this disease enabled him to touch so many lives and accomplish the most beautiful and amazing miracle .... LOVE. Changing lives for the better. Changing people’s paths in a way they never considered? It has done that to us. We have more of a focus on making a difference in this world and the world of childhood cancer. Because of this six year journey we have experienced the places where there is a need for support. There are so many it will be interesting to see what we do first. For now we are trying to get funds to Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative. As things grow we will add more. Gage’s art is providing these funds. He never wanted to share his art, but it just touches people ... just like his spirit.
Gage’s spirit: Wow ... it was ... IS ... magical. People were drawn to him in a way I could never understand. What was it that was so magical about him? Beautiful brown eyes, dimpled smile, handsome/angelic face, excitement about life, wise, so so smart. It was as if his essence was angelic ... holy. Could people see the power of God shining from him?
Whatever the full “plan” of Gage’s journey is ... I already see the miracle working. I also understand how this miracle would not be possible without Cancer. This journey took us to different hospitals where Gage drew more and more people into his circle. Those people followed his fight with Caringbridge. An instant death would not have reached the number of people as he touched. Gage had a following and still has a following. The people he touched are now watching Trux and I and how we mange this grief. For those Gage touched who live far away from us ... is it presumptuous to say ... pay attention. As ... was God trying o reach you and touch you.
As I write this ... could I even say or equate Gage and any suffering child to Jesus? Jesus brought people to God ... it seems these amazing children are a gift to us and a sign of God’s Love.
So, no, I would not wish away our journey with Gage. I could not imagine the miracle happening any other way. My friend Genai sent me a memorial gift card. It mentions missing a loved one’s light. That is the word I was trying to find. The “light” of these children emit is magical and draws us in. the words in this book also say the following: “imagine if a unborn baby could think about birth, he or she would likely be afraid because to leave the only world the tiny baby has known would seem like a kind of death. Yet, on the other side of birth most babies find themselves in caring and gentle arms as they are introduced to their new homes and families. Thus, the trauma of the birth struggle is left behind for a new, greater world with those who will offer steadfast love and affection”.
